I sat down to write this piece and found myself procrastinating. Whatever way I started it, it just didn’t seem right. Do I begin with how well I know the tangled tightness of my own relationship with perfection? Or do I jump right into the invitation for all of us to notice the innumerable ways that desiring the Perfect hides in our thoughts, in our view of our bodies, and in our emotions?
A familiar tightening in my stomach caught my attention. Feeling the body echoing the driven thoughts of “get this writing right,” I invited curiosity into my relationship with perfectionism.
As I stayed with that tightening, I began to notice something interesting. I realized I was stuck on finding the one right way to begin this blog post. That’s when I paused, realizing that I was in the midst of a perfectionistic spiral! I saw that my thoughts were narrowing my creativity. The search for the ‘right’ words was limiting finding any words at all. As I widened my awareness, I reminded myself that there are actually countless ways to begin, countless ways to write, and countless ways to live a life. That realization felt deliciously freeing.
I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has received messages about perfectionism over the course of life. Many of us hold impossibly high standards, and we can be harsh and unforgiving toward ourselves when we don't meet them. Maybe we replay conversations. Or second-guess decisions. We might spend time wondering if there was a better way to say something, a better route to take, or a better choice to make. When we do this, we’re reviewing the past, instead of engaging in present moment awareness. And, over time, striving, self-judgment, and rumination become default ways that we relate to ourselves.
These ways of relating to ourselves often begin with good intentions. They can help us achieve, accomplish, and care deeply about our work and the people we love. However, when getting it perfect becomes our reference point, life narrows. We begin living as though there is only one right way to write the paper, have the conversation, make the decision, meditate, or even be ourselves. We become tangled in trying to get it right, and in that tightening we lose something essential—our freedom to respond to life as it is.
That's why recently I've been sitting with a very different invitation—one that sits at the heart of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT)—Come as you are.
Sonomama
There is a beautiful Japanese Buddhist concept, Sonomama, often translated as “just as you are.” It points toward accepting things in their exact present condition. It invites us to begin here—with this body, this mind, these emotions, and whatever else is arising in this moment.
We find this same invitation echoed throughout many wisdom traditions. We see it in the Buddha's teachings on acceptance, in Rumi's gentle reminders to welcome every part of our experience, and in the Japanese aesthetic of wabi-sabi, which honors the beauty found in imperfection. Each, in its own way, points us back to the same place: meeting ourselves and our lives just as they are.
Yet, what I find interesting is what happens within us when we encounter an invitation like this.
The Invitation – Come As You Are.
Take a moment to notice what happens when you read those words.
Do those words bring a sense of ease? How does the body respond to being with yourself, just as you are? What happens as you invite that inside of you? Do your thoughts fight it and begin to give examples of how you aren’t good enough yet? Maybe your thoughts tell you that you'll be ready after you finish the project, become less socially anxious, lose weight, handle the family situation, become more patient, or finally get meditation "right."
Just as I found with starting this blog post, there is no one “right” way to be or to do anything. There are thousands of ways to do most anything, despite perfectionism trying to tell us otherwise.
The practice of mindfulness gently loosens the grip to be perfect, opening us to the many ways we can respond to this moment. Just knowing that there are so many wise choices always available to us at any given moment, is an opening into coming just as you are and learning to cherish what shows up.
Learning to Trust What Is Already Here
MBCT doesn't ask us to get rid of our desire for perfection. Instead, it invites us to become curious about our relationship with it. What happens when perfectionistic tendencies appear? How does the body respond? What happens to our thoughts? Do we tighten? Hesitate? Keep revising? Delay beginning?
In that noticing, the tangles of wanting to be perfect can begin to loosen. Awareness reminds us that there is never only one way to do anything. As the grip of desiring to be perfect softens, we often discover more room to breathe, more room to choose, and more freedom to live this moment as it is.
MBCT also asks us to begin to trust that there’s more right with us than wrong with us. Mindfulness welcomes us to relish our aliveness, to feel that the flowing of our breath needs no corrections or changes. We can practice appreciating whatever is here—as well as whatever comes, and whatever goes—without judgment, without striving, and trusting the weaving of our moment-to-moment experience.
Give Yourself Grace and Space: An Invitation to Practice
Over the coming month, perhaps you become more interested in your own relationship with perfectionism.
As you move through your days, notice the moments when your own perfectionistic tendencies appear. Notice when you find yourself replaying a conversation, questioning a decision, or feeling that familiar pull to make sure that everything is done just right.
Rather than trying to change your experience, perhaps you become curious about your relationship with it. What happens in the body? What thoughts arise? What is your relationship to Perfect asking of you in that moment?
You may begin noticing more about your relationship with striving, self-judgment, and the belief that there is only one right way. As awareness grows, there may be moments when you recognize another possibility and that there are infinite ways to respond wisely. And, perhaps, just for this moment, you can allow yourself to come just as you are.
With love,
Karen
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