The blog posts this month, which is Mental Health Awareness month, will focus on how to practice infusing our awareness with a loving presence and offer ideas, tips and practices to help introduce/strengthen the concept and experience of feeling into the loving, internal presence of the inner nurturer. We'll also explore the idea that self-medicating can be life-affirming when the medicine we use is loving kindness rather than poisonous substances or destructive thoughts or actions.
The Buddha often said that what we practice grows stronger. And, as I imagine you’ve noticed in your own life, the more you practice meditation and mindful habits, for example, the more ingrained those habits become.
The same is true of kindness, especially as it relates to our thinking patterns and how we talk to and take care of ourselves. In last month’s newsletter (if you haven’t already, I invite you to subscribe to the Grow Your Inner Wisdom newsletter to receive monthly tips, tools, insight and info to help deepen your mindfulness and meditation practices), I suggested checking out clinical psychologist Dr. Steven Hayes’ TEDx Talk, psychological flexibility: how love turns pain into purpose, in which he explains that what we do with our thoughts either sends us on a positive trajectory of love, prosperity, connection and freedom or downward into pathology and despair.
Unfortunately, we’re living in a world today in which so many people are suffering, struggling with mental health issues and, very often, also with co-occurring substance abuse and addiction issues. More and more people are self-meditating (with both toxic substances and/or toxic thinking patterns and behavioral choices) in an attempt to feel some kind of relief, or internal warmth, even if it’s short-lived.
Why We Self-Medicate
The self-medicating hypothesis was created in the early 1970’s by Dr. Ed Khantzian, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and a mentor/colleague of mine. While working as the medical director of a methadone clinic, he came to understand that his patients had abandoned care toward their own bodies and were taking the largest risk of all—the possibility of death—for the sake of the heroin they injected into their veins. He initially struggled to understand what would lead people to care so little about their own lives, wanting this drug so much that life had less value than the drug experience itself. Upon inquiry, he learned from his patients that heroin brings the body into a state of warmth—often described as an inner warm bath—and provides a pleasure that compromised any worry about the consequences to the body or even their own mortality. Dr. Khantzian found this compelling, and hypothesized that there existed an inner dysfunction in substance abusers that made them unable to soothe themselves. He posed that their internal brain pathways did not have any—or enough—ability to care for and soothe the self. Thus, the only way they could find relief from life’s assaults—physical and/or emotional pain—was through drugs and/or alcohol.
Thanks in large part to Ed’s work, it’s much more well understood today that people self-medicate in an attempt to find relief from internal angst. His work changed the field of addiction as clinicians (and more slowly society at large) shifted from seeing drug addicts and substance abusers as primarily irresponsible and hopeless people who would lie or steal for their stash to understanding these individuals as people who were compelled to abuse drugs because they were in grave physical or emotional pain. Generally speaking, these are people who have suffered from large T trauma or many small t traumas throughout their lives, which can include physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse, abandonment, overly controlling households, etc. Essentially, these people experienced enough pain in their lives (often, but not necessarily, in childhood) to make them have a very harsh inner experience of themselves.
Overtime, it has become clear that not just substance abusers self-medicate. The term self-medicating can apply to pretty much everyone in one way or another. Everything that people do in an attempt to turn away from and avoid their pain (think food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, traveling, sex, social media, video games, gambling…) through medicating into a soothing state that is protective is much like that warm inner bath that Ed’s heroin users sought out.
Although trauma can be a major driving force to self-medicate, it's not just people who had childhoods filled with stress or trauma that have trouble soothing their pain. Most of us have inner lives that include harsh, punitive or fear-based messaging. And, many—if not most—of us have developed some degree of inner criticism that leads to inner name calling and a lack of inner kindness and self-compassion, which are necessary for us to properly soothe and care for ourselves. Without a well-resourced internal landscape, like Ed’s patients, we inject a toxicity—be that heroin, harsh words or unhealthy coping behaviors—into our lives.
From Self-Medicating To Self-Compassion: Practicing Kindness & Cultivating The Inner Nurturer
I first heard the term “inner nurturer” from psychologist, Senior Fellow of UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and NYT best-selling author Rick Hanson. The inner nurturer is there to soothe, calm and encourage us through growth. According to Rick, “We all have two voices inside of us: our inner nurturer, that lifts us up and encourages us, and our inner critic, that regulates where we’ve gone wrong. When the soft and tender voice of our inner nurturer gets too quiet for us to hear, our sense of self-worth tends to diminish.”
The reality is that all of us do better and are more motivated by encouragement and kindness—what we get from a healthy inner nurturer. So, if we take the idea of self-medication as a way to soothe an inner angst, but instead of the “medicine” being a toxic substance or behavior—food, drugs, alcohol, over-shopping, etc—and instead, inject a kindness and encouragement coming from inside of ourselves, then we are medicating with a loving energy and growing that inner nurturer.
Research from neuroscientists even shows this! Studies show that when we receive loving kindness and compassion from others (when we get a hug from a loved one, for example), our brains release biochemicals, such as oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. And these naturally-occurring ‘happy chemicals’ help us feel better. Insomuch, it makes sense that we can give ourselves a burst of oxytocin, dopamine or serotonin through inner kindness to help soothe ourselves, and do so without using addictive, harmful toxins and/or behaviors.
Tips to Help Strengthen Your Inner Nurturer
Speak to yourself in a kind, inner voice and use encouraging language, such as, “you got this,” or “I tried my best and I’m proud of myself for that,” rather than derogatory statements, “such as you’re such a loser,” or “you always mess things up.”
Accept and allow for mistakes, as you are a person just like everyone else. Try out phrases such as, “everyone has days like this,” and “good enough is good enough.”
Be supportive in how you care for yourself. Take time to meet up with a friend. Start a hobby or return to exercise. Eat more healthy foods and drink more water. Spend more time in nature. This list is literally endless!
Practicing these techniques might feel artificial at first, especially if you have a particularly overactive inner critic and an underdeveloped inner nurturer. And, if that’s the case, try to be extra kind with yourself and remind yourself that you’re certainly not alone.
Often, when we start to do supportive things like these we find that our minds get in our way, with thoughts like, “this seems so weird; this isn’t me.” If you’re thinking this, again, please know that you are not alone. Our culture, in particular, has pushed the idea of “no pain, no gain.” But, please know that the cultivation of your inner nurturer is a more skilled way to be with yourself and remember that you want to grow your ability to take actions that are in your best interest—those wholesome actions that the Buddha spoke so much about.
Or, it may be that you feel anxious, as though you are not “allowed” to be kind to yourself. I’ve found this to be a big one in decades of working as a therapist. Yes, this is breaking the rules of social conditioning—and yes, these rules need to be broken. And, yes, see for yourself if, by being kinder and more encouraging to yourself, you are able to gain more ease, more peace of mind, and become more patient with yourself and others.
Over time, as you keep practicing, it can get easier and easier. And, you may find that you’re more able to inject kindness—rather than toxic substances, thoughts and behaviors—as you grow and strengthen your inner nurturer.
Become Your Own Inner Ted Lasso
I usually end blogs with a poem, yet today, given the topic, I feel compelled to end this post with a few words on Ted Lasso. When I think of practicing kindness and inspiring others to do the same on their journeys to their best selves, I immediately think of Coach Ted Lasso. If you haven’t seen the Apple TV huge hit, I highly recommend it. It is wildly popular for good reason.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show, Ted Lasso is an American football coach who travels to
England to coach premier league European football. Ted is honest, kind, ethical and empowering of everyone around him. A person so kind, empathetic and forgiving, as well as hysterical, forces everyone in the show—and us, as the audience—to take a good look at ourselves, which is why co-creator and co-producer of the show Bill Lawerance thinks people love it so much. Ted shows us that true spirit, kindness and a little positivity and hope can go a very long way. Not without his own struggles (no spoiler alert here for those of you who haven’t yet seen the show!), Coach Lasso not only serves as an inspiring mentor for the team he coaches, but for millions of viewers around the world.
We all have the ability to be our own Ted Lasso—our own inner mentor/nurturer—practicing kindness and positivity. And, I like to anthropomorphize this kind of inner mentoring, as though we really have that inner Ted Lasso nurturer in an inner form.
So, the invitation for this month is (and if you’ve seen the show, this will make a lot of sense) to play with the idea of being with your inner Ted Lasso and see what happens for you.
And, the guided meditation to support this post is designed to help you do just that! The meditation, Listening to
Your Inner Coach, encourages, on an intimate level, you to foster a kind, caring and loving attention to help you install and strengthen your own inner nurturer—your own inner Ted Lasso. As you grow the capacity to care for yourself, you can turn toward this soothing, calm, kind and positive part of yourself whenever you need encouragement.
I’ll close with three Ted Lasso pieces of wisdom that I just love.
"Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong.”
"You say impossible, but all I hear is 'I'm possible.'"
“Living in the moment, it’s a gift. That’s why they call it the present.”
Blessings,
Karen
P.S: If you’re interested in starting or deepening your meditation practice and becoming more skillful in navigating the many aspects of life, you might be interested in my monthly newsletter, Grow Your Inner Wisdom—in the midst of it all. This no-cost newsletter includes a note from me discussing a different theme each month; links to the most current, theme-based blogs, which include recorded guided meditations that you can access and enjoy at no cost; important and/or interesting news and information; suggestions on books, videos, articles and podcasts; and a poem or practice to help you feel into and connect with the theme of the month. If you’re interested, you can sign up here now!
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