As we’ve continued our deep dive into perfectionism, I’ve been thinking about the many ways that our mind tries to help us get things right. We know that it helps us anticipate, prepare, reflect, and learn from our experiences. It allows us to think about what we’ve done, what we might have done differently, and how we might approach things next time.
While these are useful capacities of the mind, I’ve also been wondering about what happens when this activity becomes relentless and we find ourselves revisiting conversations long after they’ve ended, questioning decisions we’ve already made, or continually looking for something that could have been done better. And, even when things do go well, how many of us still experience difficulty allowing ourselves to feel satisfied?
All of this brings up many questions. When does our effort to get things right begin to get in the way of living our lives? And what might we discover about our perfectionistic tendencies when we pay closer attention to the ways they show up in our thoughts, emotions, and bodies?
When Caring Becomes Perfectionism
Perfectionism has roots in caring deeply. We want to be accurate in our communications, and we want to show up as our best selves all of the time. We might even think that there’s only one right way to respond to any given situation. If we haven’t done it the ‘right’ way, then we worry that we’ll disappoint others and cause distress. We might also become so worried about making mistakes that even small missteps bring up feelings of inadequacy or self-criticism.
Perhaps you’ve noticed this in your own life. You put off beginning something because you don’t feel quite ready. Or you have trouble finishing because there’s always one more thing to adjust, improve, or reconsider. And even when something goes really well, there’s that familiar tendency of the mind to notice what could have been better.
It’s interesting, isn’t it, how easily the things we care about can become sources of pressure and worry? We want to do well. However, before we know it, our sense of being capable, secure, and even worthy has become tangled up with getting things right.
The Suffering We Add to Our Experience
There’s a Buddhist teaching about the two arrows that I’ve always found helpful, particularly when thinking about perfectionism and the additional suffering we create for ourselves.
In the Sallatha Sutta, the Buddha describes what happens when a person is struck by an arrow, and then struck by a second one. The first arrow is the pain that comes with being human. The second arrow represents the suffering we may experience through our reactions to that pain.
To better understand this, think about a time when you made a mistake, forgot something, or said something you later regretted. Perhaps you felt embarrassed, disappointed, or upset with yourself. A perfectly human response.
But then, what happened next?
Maybe you found yourself going over the situation again and again. Your thoughts might include some version of: How could I have done that? I should have known better. What must they think of me?
The mind can be quite persistent. We revisit what happened, imagine what we could have done differently, and worry about making the same mistake again. We may then turn this anxiety into self-criticism and judgment.
We may even come to believe that judging ourselves is helpful. For instance, perhaps if we criticize ourselves enough, we’ll learn to be more careful next time. Or if we anticipate everything that could go wrong, we’ll be better prepared and less likely to make a mistake.
It’s very human to want to protect ourselves from embarrassment, disappointment, or the disapproval of others. And yet, this protection often becomes another spiral into shame and perfectionistic striving.
Awareness to the Rescue
In mindfulness practice, we have an opportunity to become familiar with these patterns. When we notice the familiar pull of rumination—replaying conversations, dialoguing with ourselves in a tyrannical manner, or heaping on shame—we can ask ourselves to pause. When we feel shame in the body—a tightening in the chest, a sinking feeling in the stomach, or a sudden wish to withdraw—we can stop to notice and reflect.
By recognizing what’s happening, we can remind ourselves of our humanness and notice our conditioned patterning. Things don’t always go quite as we’d hoped. In that awareness, there may also be room to acknowledge how difficult the moment is and bring a little kindness to ourselves as we experience it.
Getting Stuck in How We Want Things to Be
Buddhist teachings also invite us to look at our tendency to cling to how we think things should be and how we think we should be.
For example, we may have a very particular idea of how something ought to turn out, how another person should behave, or how we ourselves should perform. We want circumstances to unfold according to our expectations, and when they don’t, we may become frustrated, disappointed, or critical. Very often, we don’t even realize this ‘should’ is underlying our perfectionism.
This is where the Buddhist teaching of dependent arising can help. Our experiences arise from countless interconnected causes and conditions, many of which are beyond our awareness or control. When we begin to appreciate this complexity, we may find ourselves less inclined to assign blame, particularly to ourselves.
For instance, take a moment to consider everything that influences how you move through a particular day. How well did you sleep? Are you feeling healthy or tired? What’s happening in your relationships? How much time do you have? What unexpected challenges have appeared?
These causes and conditions also stretch back further than we can trace. Whatever is happening now arises from all that came before.
Recognizing this can help reduce the habitual blame and shame that we place on ourselves, including the self-criticism that so often accompanies perfectionism. It also reminds us that we, too, are constantly changing. Even the qualities we think of as fixed parts of our identity are shaped by changing causes and conditions. When we find ourselves thinking, This is just the way I am, perhaps we can offer ourselves a new approach that encourages compassion and patience.
Mindfulness and the Possibility of Choice
All of this to say that perfectionism can be our springboard into awareness. Even if just for a moment, we can pause our knee-jerk habit of criticizing and shaming ourselves, and perhaps set down the second arrow. That is enough for us to insert a new approach.
We can remind ourselves of our humanness. We can offer ourselves some humility and even humor. We can remember some of the conditions that led to our ‘misstep.’ We can even welcome it, knowing that while we may not have liked the way something turned out, we can work with what is here.
We can put out the welcome mat for the way things are right now.
Some days this may feel possible, and on other days our perfectionistic patterns may feel especially strong. That, too, reflects the ever-changing conditions of our lives. We can be curious about all of it.
We can help our minds to un-spiral from ‘having’ to get things right, getting comfortable instead with accepting ourselves, others, and life itself just as they are. The Japanese call this wabi-sabi—finding beauty in what is imperfect, incomplete, and impermanent. Just like this, in the impeccable imperfectness of NOW.
With love,
Karen
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