“No mother nor father nor any other kin can do greater good for oneself than a mind directed well."
-Dhammapada 4.43, The Buddha Sutras
November 2023 Newsletter
Community, Sangha & Mindful Communication
with Yourself, Others and the World
Hello Everyone!
I hope that you all enjoyed a lovely November and Thanksgiving and/or Native American Heritage Day, if you celebrate. Either way, there’s no doubt that the holiday season has arrived!
This month, I’ve been contemplating the holidays and all that this season of lights can bring up—both the positive and the not-so-great aspects—as well as the war and humanitarian crisis occurring in the Middle East. I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can be constricted or expansive in our perspectives and how we might meet ourselves and others with more curiosity, understanding and compassion.
I’ve also been thinking about family, community and what is known as sangha. With deep roots in Buddhism, the original sangha was composed of monks and nuns who were the disciples of the Buddha. Today, a sangha is understood as a community of friends practicing dharma (moral and spiritual wholesome disciples that guides one in living life). At its essence, a true sangha is composed of awareness, understanding, acceptance, harmony and love.
The sangha is designed to help us open our hearts, as the more open our hearts are, the easier it becomes to give ourselves and others grace. Sangha also encourages us to see all beings as potential teachers and is, therefore, ripe ground for personal and relational shifts in perspective and even transformation. In sangha, we listen, give, receive, learn and share our common humanity with each other with an overall sense of kindness and care.
Given the increase in heated arguments, deep despair and fear that is occurring in our world and is increasing the polarization among us, I thought it could be a valuable offering to explore the basics of mindful communication, which you can practice in your day-to-day world, on social media, and, if the situation presents itself, with your loved ones. These skills can be especially helpful during the holiday season.
Activating Mindful Communication Skills
We all have needs for belonging and safety, yet many of us carry judgements, hold tight to old perspectives, and, at times, can become consumed with our own suffering, which can feel more intense when emotions are running high. However, when we listen deeply to ourselves and the people in our lives with curiosity and compassion, we create an opening to experience a shift in perspective. We may “update” our perspectives on ourselves, an issue or another person, and, as in a sangha, begin to approach ourselves, our lives and our interactions with increased awareness, understanding, acceptance, harmony and love.
In order to create more wholesome inner qualities and more connected relationships, we can apply the same basic skills that we practice in meditation to increase our own mindfulness and our ability to engage in mindful communication.
The most obvious and important aspect of mindfulness is training ourselves to be present—to be aware of ourselves and to increase our awareness of the person we are communicating with. The other primary aspect is to pay attention—on purpose—to the other person(s). We focus our intention and attention on what truly matters, which is rooted in understanding, and seek to understand what it is that we and another truly need.
We put ourselves in a position that encourages wakefulness and tells our body and our awareness that it’s time to focus on what we are doing and bring our whole selves to the communication. We bring our presence—being IN our bodies—noticing when we are responding with a reaction, rather than listening to understand, which is responding with skill. And, we remember to pause, especially if we start to get lost in a tangle or a debate. We pause and reset, remembering what our intention is for ourselves at this moment.
One way to do this is to slow our speech down and really feel the experience of the words forming in our mouth—the way the consonants or vowels land, the sound of our voice and/or the way our body gestures. Slowing down helps us think about what we are saying, which helps us to remain engaged, rather than reactive.
Whether it’s in the context of self-talk or difficult conversations with others, all of us can apply mindfulness to shift from the automatic pilot of thoughts that hamper our growth or our happiness. We do this by noticing that certain thoughts are simply a perspective, and that we can shift our perspectives, our beliefs and our viewpoints by turning toward and engaging in something of more benefit.
For instance, we might view the perspectives we are holding like buoys that we feel we need to hold onto, yet begin to understand that they are simply viewpoints—some of which we were given as children or even as members of the particular society from which we come. Once we see that these no longer serve us, we can take the risk to let go and swim to a new freedom of thought—to those thoughts or beliefs that are more fitting to who we are today.
As we move through the holiday season, I invite you to challenge some of your long-held perspectives about others and the world and perhaps listen to those you may not always agree with with more compassion, curiosity and a desire for understanding. In tandem, you might also explore any rigid perspectives or limiting beliefs that you hold toward yourself that may be causing you distress. Often, our minds hold onto outdated perspectives because the mind functions as a problem solver and likes to keep things as they are, even when they are no longer serving the highest good.
We often also catastrophize what is happening in our lives and add to that suffering a slew of “what-if-this-happens'' worries. As an experiment, rather than insert the worry after what-if, as we might while on autopilot, try instead to imagine (and insert) a wonderfully positive outcome. Since we have a hand in what gets created in our lives by the choices we make, what we focus on, actions we take, etc, it’s more than reasonable that if we offer ourselves (and others) the positivity of the future we want, we just might move in that direction!
What could this next month look and feel like for you and your loved ones if you were to update your self-perspective and/or perspectives about others and the world? What might be possible if you were to update these perspectives so they are current and reflect yourself and others as the newest versions—the versions that exist NOW?
Cat Tales…
What the sibling trio teaches us about moving from conflict to connection
The expression “fighting like cats and dogs” might not be completely accurate. While I agree that there are dogs and cats that don’t get along, there are also those furry beings that do. Likewise, there are cats that do get along with one another, as there certainly are dogs who do too.
What I’ve noticed with Max, Eve and Pearl—our sibling trio—is that they have moments (probably no more than an actual minute or two) when they spat about something, which is often over the place that they want to cat nap. Chairs in the sun are highly valued by all of them. These moments of discord often begin with one cat—usually Max to Pearl or Eve, or Eve to Pearl—beginning a “licking session.” However, what might first appear as benign licks can soon turn into a fight for the sunny spot as soon as the initiator takes a sideways bite on the neck of the sitting cat. Part of what is remarkable to me, though, is how quickly this transaction begins and ends. And, more times than not, the cat who jumps off soon returns and tries to shimmy onto the same chair again. Even better, the “victor” often makes room so that the two cats can enjoy the same chair, peacefully sleeping with their sibling in the glorious warmth of the sun.
Cats do sleep a lot—averaging 16 - 20 hours a day—and where they sleep is of primary importance. Even through the cat squabbles, Max, Eve and Pearl always choose to be near one another. Much of the time they’re on the same chair or closely snuggling all night with their human companions, which is a joyous, peaceful, loving experience for all.
If we could learn from beings as wise as these cats and perhaps model their behavior—short spats involving location (land, resources, etc) quickly resolved into a warm connection that lasts for hours—imagine what our world could look like!
Thank you for your presence—I’m so happy that you are here!
May you be filled with warmth and kindness.
May you be healthy and safe.
May your heart know peace.
Wishing you all an extra dose of peace and love during the holidays and these turbulent times.
In kindness,
Karen
P.S.: A few of you have asked if there is a way to easily access all of the newsletter content. To archive these and get them up on the website, we're currently working on moving all newsletters into blog posts, which will soon be available in the Blog section of my website.
In other exciting news, beginning in February 2023, I'll be offering an 8-week Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) program!
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) Workshop
A Nurturing Exploration of Your Heart, Body & Mind
with Psychotherapist and Meditation Teacher Dr. Karen Walant
This 8-week Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) workshop is designed to help you tap into your heart, body and mind; learn how to really listen to your inner experience; and explore and utilize mindfulness tools to reduce suffering, better manage anxiety and depression, and experience greater ease and joy in life.
In a safe space with professional, compassionate support, you can begin to turn toward that which you have the tendency to avoid. You’ll learn specifically designed meditations and cognitive behavioral strategies, which we’ll practice over the course of the program, to help access inner wisdom and connect with and cultivate your inner nurturer. As you become friendly with your mind and kinder with your inner self, you’ll gain invaluable resources to navigate life’s inevitable challenges and become a trusted partner to your Self.
Integrating current developments in neuroplasticity with ancient wisdom, this workshop offers powerful mind-heart-body tools and techniques to break free from prolonged periods of suffering and turn your mind into a skilled ally that supports you in both long-term health and healing and managing the ups and downs of everyday life.
More information about the course can be found on the 8-Week MBCT Course page of my website.
For those interested in taking this class, enrollment is now open. Please contact me directly at kwalant@gmail.com for more information and pricing.
Practice...
Tools For Difficult Conversations
Tools for Difficult Conversations, a talk given to Rick Hanson’s Wednesday night meditation group by guest speaker, author and mindfulness, meditation and nonviolent communication teacher Oren Jay Sofer offers insight and tools for having difficult conversations. In his talk, Oren covers four main topics—inner preparation; orienting to purpose and values; rehearsing; and key tools to utilize, which include: create support structures; let go of the outcome; get curious (ask questions, practice reflecting listening); take it slowly (chunk information, focus on one thing at a time); seek common ground/agreement; share personal stories; and set limits with kindness.
I encourage you to watch the recording of Oren’s talk, which explains the principles of nonviolent communication. While he focuses on conversations around politics, war and the humanitarian and climate crises, his suggestions also apply to our day-to-day conversations, which at times might feel difficult with our partners, children, extended family members, coworkers and friends. His tips encourage us to remain open and more receptive to both ourselves and the people we are connecting with.
The invitation this month, especially as we’ll be in the full swing of the holidays, which, for many, comes with spending time with family members that we may not feel aligned with, is to practice communication through using active listening, compassion and curiosity.
When you keep an open and receptive mind, you may be surprised and even delighted by what you learn. Or, at the very least, you might expand your ability to stay present, aware and open to a shift in perspective. Here are some useful take-aways from Oren’s talk and his extensive work on the topic.
Meet the conversation with your full presence. Be aware of your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about the topic to be discussed. Take action to move out of automatic pilot. Attuning to the body can help with this. Slow down. Feel the muscles moving in your mouth as you speak. Take deep breaths. Be in your body, returning to it over and over, especially if you notice yourself becoming activated.
Come with an intention for connection and to listen. You might ask yourself, what does this person need? Can you work toward really understating that need, even if you’re not able to offer/give it.
Pay attention to the content and emotions of the person. Lean in as best as you can. This part of the practice can be a challenge for many of us so take it slowly and utilize pauses. Perhaps one person speaks without interruption for five minutes. And, maybe the conversation—especially if it’s particularly difficult—occurs over multiple days. And, as you’re listening actively, stay present with your intention to seek understanding and to stay curious. What is it that they need? And, what is it that you need as well?
Get and stay curious. Ask questions and tap into inquiring rather than informing.
Practice reflective listening. Repeat back what has been said and ask if you understood correctly.
Take it slowly. It’s okay, even encouraged, to take time outs, especially if you and/or the other person is feeling activated.
Chunk information. Work to separate out any various issues within the conversation and focus on one thing at a time.
Seek common ground/an agreement. Sometimes finding common ground or coming to an agreement on a specific issue is difficult to do. If that’s the case, you might amicably agree to disagree for now and perhaps return to the issue at another time.