"Each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done.”
-Bryan Stevenson
I think it’s fair and safe to say that each of us has encountered a person or group of people that we find it difficult to be around, communicate with and find common ground with. And, it’s also likely that each of us have been harmed, perhaps very deeply, by another who we may hold resentment and ill will toward. There are actions and behaviors that are terrible and so very challenging to forgive. And, there may be people who the mere idea of offering compassion and loving kindness is impossible to do right now and feels unjust. This is a very normal reaction, and the idea of offering kindness to someone we feel has harmed us can feel like a very big ask. The invitation is always to start small and work with someone who is far, far less problematic for you.
Extending Lovingkindness
This blog post, written to help us all extend compassion to those we find challenging, is the last in this month’s series on the ancient practice of lovingkindness and metta meditation. If you missed the first two posts, From Self-Medicating To Self-Compassion: How Fostering An Inner Nurturer Helps Us Heal and Showing Compassion For Others: Practicing the 4 Jewels of the Heart & A Guided Metta Meditation, I invite and encourage you to read through those posts before reading further here as they, much like the format of the lovingkindness meditation, are meant to work together and build on each other.
Traditionally, there are four parts to the lovingkindness meditation—well wishing to yourself, well wishing to a benefactor, well wishing to a neutral or familiar stranger and, finally, well wishing to a difficult person. The previous two posts and related guided meditations took us through the first three. In the guided meditation that accompanies this post, Lovingkindness Meditation for the Self, Benefactor, Familiar Stranger and Difficult Person, we return to sending kindness to the first three and will finish with well wishing a difficult person.
Why We Offer Love & Kindness To Difficult People
You may already be thinking about which difficult person you want to offer lovingkindness to or perhaps even thinking about why or how you would do that.
In order to properly understand why we do this, we must begin with rephrasing our well-wishing from a difficult person to someone/some being that you are having difficulty with. Many meditation teachers prefer this and, even though the terminology is a bit unwieldy, it does change the focus to what we really want, which is to work with our own reactivity to this person and to gain more competence, more steadiness, and more of an ability to understand what is inside of our difficult experience of this person. So, it becomes less about the person as “difficult,” and more about the difficulty with this person that we are experiencing.
The purpose of this part of the practice is to focus on what we truly want, which is to work with our own reactivity and difficult circumstances in general. In working with our own reactivity, we practice becoming more skillful, more steady and more able to understand what is going on inside of us that fuels this difficult experience with another person.
And, the purpose of cultivating a kind and loving awareness for a difficult person is to open and condition our hearts to lean into and strengthen an ability to go toward that which we find uncomfortable. Rather than turn away in disgust or fear, we become more able to investigate with curiosity. And, as you do this, it may be helpful to think about this part of the practice as putting into action the Buddha’s mantra that “hatred never ceases from hatred but from love alone is cured,” which he is said to have chanted over and over again.
It’s also important to note that offering kindness to someone in this form does not mean that we condone their behavior or past actions, nor that we are signaling that we are tolerating behavior or thoughts that we find morally objectionable. It also does not mean that we are offering to give them what they want or that we will resume any contact with them. That said, someone who is intent on causing harm to others will also be causing harm to themselves, as well as to others beyond you. You may have heard this expression—”hurt people hurt.”
Think of it this way. Perhaps by sending well-wishes to difficult people, we might help stem the inner distress that this person feels, thereby lessening the possibilities (even by 1 percent) that they will continue to hurt others. What we’re really doing in this part of the practice is wishing that whatever is causing them dis-ease may be reduced so that they cease causing harm. This practice helps us as well because when we are able to come to a place in which we stop stewing and ruminating, we may think about this person less and less, helping us to move forward with our lives and into more ease.
It's a big ask to offer love and kindness to certain people; I understand that. Which is why, as mentioned above, meditation teachers (myself included), offer a strong suggestion to start small. I highly advise against beginning this practice with a person who has caused you deep pain, who has robbed you of something very precious and/or who might have inflicted distress beyond what is imaginable. It is also not wise to start with political figures that you are frightened of or angered by. Over time, however —and I mean over a lot of time and with a lot of practice—you might extend out a bit more and try people a bit closer to the heartaches that you’ve experienced. But, do this with your inner nurturer in place, support from people you trust, grace for yourself and with great care.
The Power of Kindness to Soothe Ill-Will & Promote Healing
One of the biggest parts of the ask and task to offer lovingkindness to people we experience as difficult is to encourage ourselves to move closer to that which we are inclined to push away. What we generally find when we encounter challenges is that there is fear and a desire for self-protection. Fantasies of revenge, holding onto resentments and harboring ill-will are ways of keeping ourselves protected and we often go there in an attempt to insulate ourselves from any form of connection with the person who we have felt has harmed, or at the very least, annoyed us.
Kindness is the opposite of ill-will, which includes anger, hatred, irritation, jealousy and envy. When in a mindstate of ill-will, we may want to hurt this person, or find ourselves spending time with inner fantasies of revenge.
Dousing ourselves (and others) in kindness, on the other hand, encourages us to let go of these destructive thoughts, which can cause harm to ourselves in the form of high blood pressure, tense body and an inability to soothe ourselves, which can lead to an increase in use of self-medicating substances and rumination that cuts us out of being in the present moment—to name just a few aspects of what is problematic in feeding feelings of anger or revenge.
Bathing in kindness for ourselves, however, and removing the shackles of anger and resentment that have bound us to a past that is no longer in play, is perhaps the kindest gift we can give ourselves—and others.
And, in doing this part of the practice, as with the other parts of the metta meditation, we remind ourselves that, just like us, this person breathes, thinks and feels. They, too, feel joy and pain. They, too, like you, prefer happiness to suffering. They, too, have experienced difficulties in this human existence.
Useful Tips To Help You Offer Kindness To Difficult People
Reflect on good qualities that this person has, despite that which has happened to you. Often, when we are in an angry thought space, we only think of their worst qualities. However, there is most likely at least one positive attribute that you could think about and bring that to mind. Frankly, that may be why this person irked you so to start with—because they don’t “look” particularly “evil” or “bad.”
Try to envision this person at earlier stages of their life. If you know of troubling, painful situations they have been through (perhaps they experienced a trauma or had a difficult childhood), you could reflect on that, which might help you better understand why they acted the way they did (or still are). It can be very helpful to take a lot of time with this, really imagining what they have been through. If possible, try to see it through their eyes and feel it from their heart. This extension of empathy can be quite healing.
Similarly, once you have done this, you might reflect on the possibility that, had you had the life they have had, you, too, may have acted in the same way. A corollary of this—if the issue with this person is one mistake—is to remember that all of us have acted in ways we are not proud of, have done something in a quick flash of which we later regret. Perhaps try feeling into Bryan Stevenson’s (founder and Executive Director of the Equal Justice Initiative, a human rights organization) quote that I offered at the beginning of this post—“Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”
And lastly, we can adopt the wisdom from Shantideva—the 8th century Buddhist teacher—who advises that having people we are in conflict with helps us to practice patience and grow kindness. The idea is to embrace, as best we can, the opportunities we have to deepen and grow our commitment to kindness. As Shantideva is quoted, “Since my adversary assists me in my Bodhisattva way of life, I should long for him like a treasure.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama has also spoken about this, describing the “enemy’s gift” in a passage found in The World of Tibetan Buddhism: An Overview of Its Philosophy and Practice.
“As a genuine practitioner of compassion, you must develop tolerance. And in order to practice sincerely and to develop patience, you need someone who willfully hurts you. Thus, these people give us real opportunities to practice these things. They are testing our inner strength in a way that even our guru cannot. Even the Buddha possesses no such potential. Therefore, the enemy is the only one who gives us this golden opportunity. This is a remarkable conclusion, isn’t it! By thinking along these lines and using these reasons, you will eventually develop a kind of extraordinary respect towards your enemies.”
Practicing Lovingkindness Benefits All
These four touchpoints, offered as a way to expand our warmth toward others, can also be re-engineered to be applied to the various parts of ourselves. We can send well-wishes to our inner nurturer. We can send well-wishes to the part of ourselves that we most identify with. We can send well-wishes to those parts of ourselves that we haven’t yet explored or know intimately. And, certainly, we can send kindness to those spaces and places within us that feel difficult—the part or parts of ourselves that need our attention, our care, our understanding and our love.
Let yourself take in these many options, and see if, over time, you are able to find your own way of showering yourself and those around you with kindness—with loving kindness. Notice what happens when you bring awareness to moments where kindness could be offered. Experiment with how you respond and notice how you feel afterward. Metta meditation can be a life-long practice and, like many skills we learn, once we have been introduced to them and practice them, we can find our own creative ways to put them into use as we encourage more love and healing in the world.
To help you with the metta practice, especially the part that asks us to send lovingkindness to the difficult people in our lives, I’ve designed a guided meditation, Lovingkindness Meditation for the Self, Benefactor, Familiar Stranger and Difficult Person.
In closing, I’ll leave you with a beautiful poem by the beautiful poet, teacher and storyteller Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer.
Blood, Like Salt Water
There is in each of us an ocean
full of secrets strange and luminous,
an ocean with depths we do not understand,
with dark we often fear,
a place almost impossible to visit
and yet it moves with us
everywhere we go,
informs every conversation,
underlies every thought.
there is treasure in there,
but it belongs to the depths
the way the heart belongs to the body.
Everything depends on this.
Lately, I’m learning to think of treasure
only as a verb,
not as a thing to be taken.
I’m learning that to live
is to be an ocean.
Rosemary Whatola Trommer
May all beings be filled with loving kindness
May all beings be free of suffering.
May all beings be healthy and safe.
May all beings be happy.
Thank you for your practice.
Love and kind blessings to all,
Karen
P.S: If you’re interested in starting or deepening your meditation practice and becoming more skillful in navigating the many aspects of life, you might be interested in my monthly newsletter, Grow Your Inner Wisdom—in the midst of it all. This no-cost newsletter includes a note from me discussing a different theme each month; links to the most current, theme-based blogs, which include recorded guided meditations that you can access and enjoy at no cost; important and/or interesting news and information; suggestions on books, videos, articles and podcasts; and a poem or practice to help you feel into and connect with the theme of the month. If you’re interested, you can sign up here now!
I also offer an online, donation-based meditation class/guided practice every other Monday night at 7:30pm EST in a relaxed and warm setting on Zoom. The only requirement is an interest in increasing mindful awareness and skills through practice and growing your inner wisdom. If you’re interested in beginning, reconnecting with or deepening your meditation practice in community, we’d love for you to join us! Get more details and register here.